When The Perfectionism of Dance Takes Its Toll

I thought I would write a post about something that is very prominent in my life so that hopefully by reading this you guys will know that you aren't alone in your feelings.

I have my Grade 8 exam next Sunday and as our studios are a bit small for exams when you get to my age so we use other local studios which are bigger so we can use space better when we are dancing. Due to using other studios, we have a rehearsal for our exam so that we understand what it is like to dance in that space as it isn't what we are used to. As I'm in Grade 8 we do four dances on our own and that's what you get marked on even though you also do a barre and an entre and finale polonaise together these aren't marked. To me that is terrifying. I find exams terrifying enough as they are but when it comes to doing something completely on your own that makes it even worse. You may think 'well everyone gets nervous in an exam' but I panic really badly. For example, I remember in my grade 7 exam at the barre I was shaking like there's no tomorrow! In class barre is the thing I pick up the easiest and I am really calm about it but as soon as it's an exam I'm so scared of getting something wrong that I start to overthink which then causes me to shake and to then forget things. The same happens in the centre but worse. I don't think when I'm dancing in class, muscle memory comes into play and I do so much better if I feel what I am doing opposed to thinking it through. However, in exams I start to think rather than feel and that's when it all goes wrong. I overthink about my corrections - of course it's good to remember your corrections as they will make you better but when in exams I overthink them which causes new things to go wrong! I know I know what to do and so when I do something wrong I know I'm doing it wrong which is frustrating. All I want is for my teacher and the examiner to see me at my best when I'm not panicking about getting things wrong and that being the be-all and end-all.

I am a perfectionist. I always say that I blame that on my old tech teacher Mr Smith who once told me I wasn't enough of one but really if I'm being honest with myself I think my perfectionism stems much further back than year 8. It's the same story with all my school work - it has to be perfect, I have to be good at what I'm doing otherwise I get really stressed and emotional about it. I say that I'll be happy with Bs at the end of A Levels but really I know that if I don't get As then I'll get really angry and upset. That's something that I wish I wasn't as bothered about. I wish I could just get on with my life and not be so fixated on getting the best grade. I think it doesn't help that I let other people's expectations of me get to me, I should be thankful that they think well of me and that they think I should be doing well but instead it sits on my brain and when I get something wrong I feel embarrassed and angry as I know that they think I am better than that. It makes me feel stupid.

I am trying to learn to deal with these things. I find myself breaking down a lot at home because I create a huge amount of pressure on myself.

Basically I really want you all to know that you aren't alone in feeling this way as I do too and so do many dancers as we are in a community that focuses a lot on being the best when really we need to focus on how well we have improved and developed from where we were and learn to be proud of ourselves. Our mental health is important as people are always going to be telling us their opinions of us and we need to make sure we learn to take them as constructive criticisms and not too much to heart.