Waiting

This is the hardest part, waiting. I'm an impatient person anyway when it comes to results; waiting for ballet exams', my GCSEs, my ASs - but this is worse. It doesn't help probably that for the Universities I haven't had to wait long, at most 3 days I think. Now I'm waiting for the result of my first dance school which takes longer.

I can't concentrate. I told myself that I would distract myself with school but in reality it's the other way round. I've been distracted from school by the thought of he result. Emails. All I do is check my emails. Every few minutes I pick up my phone and go into gmail. When it opens I instantly pull over the side bar so I can't see the emails. If there is a new email my heart gets faster as I slowly move the side bar away to see the email to reveal that it isn't it.

I'm scared. I have never wanted something so badly in my who life, nothing has ever meant so much to me. In my head I run scenarios over and over again These are the same scenarios I've played in my head for years. They let me imagine what it would be like if I got an offer how happy I would be, how I would tell others like my friends and family and teachers. Now I hate to have these thoughts as they make me feel worse as they very likely could not happen. Instead I'd have to tell all these people that I didn't get in.

Memories fill my head of previous rejections. The first proper rejection I had was when I was 13 and had auditioned for London Children's Ballet for the first time. I didn't know what to expect, I'd never done anything like it but had wanted to for years. My shyness had stopped me before but this time I had decided to go for it. As you probably have guessed I didn't get in. On the way home it didn't really register with me, I was fine - sad but okay. Everything changed that evening. All of a sudden it hit me with the largest bolder life could find. I cried and cried and cried; I was so upset and so angry. My mother took me into the back room of our house so I wouldn't wake up my dad and brother. In there I yelled and screamed like my heart had been ripped out. It was like I has a serious physical injury, may be this is what heartbreak is? I have never told anyone this as I am ashamed of myself for the reaction I had. I had just never wanted anything before as much as I wanted that then, I hadn't realised until it had been taken away how much I'd wanted it. I worry that will be how I am if I get rejected from these schools. What if I'm rejected from all 5? I don't think my current mental state could take one rejection of this magnitude, let alone five! Honestly I'm not sure how I'd cope with motivating myself to do anything afterwards.

Crying, I am really embarrassed to say, seems to have become a daily habit. I think about how close I am to training full-time, I have never been this close. Now I'm auditioning it is a possible event for my future, without auditions it was impossible. However also being this close seem so unreal it feels as though it's almost obvious I'll get rejected.

All these emotions go round my head like a deadly game of bumper cars. Not sure what I wanted to achieve by this post but I guess if you are feeling the same now you know you aren't alone.

(My last five years depicted in pointe shoes)